Thursday, May 6, 2010

Coming Home.

I'm searching for the right words to make this entry unoffensive in the first few sentences... but after thinking it over, it seems there is no graceful way to go about this, so I may as well just be frank and say what I'm thinking. . .

I have had an issue with God and religion for a very long time.

There, I said it. It is out in the open and I'm not taking it back.

I've put this thought in the back of my mind for a very long time. Never opened the box I have stored it in to really explore my feelings. Sure, I've thought about going back to Church and finding what I truly believe in, but I have never taken that first little baby step to get the ball rolling, so to speak. I pray when I feel the need and I ask for guidance and support on things that I've done, but I've never really tried to have a real relationship with him. I had no reason to in my mind. This God has dealt me a 7 and a 2, off suit, in the poker game of life. I've been angry with him for so long that the anger is all I know. Between the horrible things I've experienced and the losses I have felt, I feel like the man hasn't given me a break. I counted a few days ago of all the people that have died in my life since I was 14... off the top of my head I came up with 8, at least one a year since I was 14. My friends, both of my grandpas, other family members. All sorts of different deaths too... suicide, car accidents, cancer, unexpected, old age... I've seen more in my 19 (almost 20) years of life than many have seen in 50.

I set out this today to help clear my head by cleaning up and organizing my office, my closet and my car. Even after doing these things my head was still feeling foggy and I was anxious to do something more outside of my home. I drove around for a while deciding to do one thing then changing my mind and heading home to deciding to do something else then yet again, changing my mind and heading home. Once I was in my house, I was sure that tonight was not a night I should be home. . . That's when I decided I'd explore writing venues and head to a local diner where there is wifi and write about whatever came to mind at the time. Not two minutes after discussing my plans with my mother did my friend call and we decided to meet up at this diner to catch up after about 4 months of little contact.

I don't know what I was expecting. Probably just a brief chat catching up on life. I was more than wrong. Of course we caught up on life and the happenings of it all.. But then it took an interesting turn and began to get deeper and deeper. . We discussed my friend Julian's death and how I was feeling then and how I feel now. Talked about her joining the Americorp and how that made her feel. Then, somehow, we got on the topic of God and religion.

I was baptized when I was 12, the same day I was confirmed. Then, I had a very solid relationship with the big man. It felt good to be a Christian and I never doubted anything about it. Sure I had questions, but I knew I'd learn the answers in time..

I didn't realize my friend hadn't been baptised. I'm sure we've discussed it before but it never really hit me.

That is when we got on the topic of angels and God and how they appear to us in every day life.

"Coincidences are God's way of remaining anonymous"

For whatever reason, that really hit me like a brick to the head. It started me thinking about the little things that were happening in my life and had been happening randomly.. When Julian died I was trying to be the strong one. To be there for everyone who needed somebody, anybody. But, I had a weak moment. I sat behind this very screen searching for the right words, the right music, the right anything to help me through that moment. I remember saying to God and to Julian, "God, Jules, whichever one of you is listening... Give me something, anything to help me right now." I went to Julian's facebook page and was reading through the comments wondering if the words there would help me out with what I was feeling. That was when I saw the link to a song on youtube. 'Comin' Home' by City and Colour was the song that came across my speakers. It was exactly what I needed. I purchased the album. Those were the words I needed. It was like my prayers were answered then and there. However, it wasn't my only weak moment. Driving home after the weekend ended and regular life had no choice but to begin again, I was having a hard time keeping dry eyes. The tears just streamed out of my eyes. I cried "Julian, I need a sign you are here and I'm going to get home and everything is going to be okay..." Not a minute later and I was being tailed by a car. The car sped around me before I had a chance to get out of his way. When the car got in front of me it was like slow motion.. The car slowed down so he was riding in front of me just close enough to read his license plate. "Jules" it said loud and bold. Jules, was a nickname people had adopted for Julian. It was like a huge wave of relief swept over me. I got home and while moving forward and continuing on with life was difficult, I knew somebody was watching over me and making sure things were okay.

It's like my friend said, God appears in front of us not as himself but as the things we find comfort in, the people we are familiar with, and the words we long to hear.

Maybe now I'll look deeper into finding what I believe in.

Maybe God sent me that song to tell me its time I came back home to him.

I'm not sure I am 100% ready to begin my search, but I will definitely be keeping my eye out for him and long to feel him surround me.

God, if you are ready to listen, I'm ready to start talking.


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