Wood. Its inapprop.

As most people know and understand, New Englanders have a wicked accent (varies depending on where you are).

I absolutely adore said accent.
It makes me blush, makes me laugh and makes me want to talk to EVERYONE within 100 feet of me.

One chat I had sticks out in my mind because it was quite hysterical and all 15 of us staying at the house laughed about it for a LONG time.

I was on my way back from Portsmouth NH (Absolutely beautiful, do yourself a favor and go there) with my Sissy, Brohem, Cousin and her husband when we decided "hey lets have a bonfire tonight"

So what do you always need when you have a bonfire or campfire?

Wood.

We didn't think there would be much firewood around the house we were staying and didn't think it would be a good idea to chop any of the trees down so our only option was to stop somewhere to ask where we could get firewood.

There wasn't much of anything in the little teeny tiny village we were staying in, it was the kind of place where EVERYTHING closed at 6pm.

So we stopped at a Rite Aid on the way home. We didn't see any firewood outside of the store and being the baby of the family, I was forced to go inside to inquire about firewood.

Me - "Excuse me, Do you have any firewood?"

Clerk - "Fiyahwood*? I don think we have any fiyawood."

Me - "Oh, well could you possibly tell me a place we could stop to get some?"

Clerk - "lemme think heyah**  .. oh I know who can give you some wood, Do yah got cellphone?"

Me - "Yes...?"

Clerk - "Alright, well I'm gonna write down a numbah for yew, The guys name is Powl*** and he can get you wood."

Me - "uhh.."

Clerk - "Powl gave me wood a few yeaas**** ago, real noice kid, yew should give 'im a cowl***** Powl will help you get wood. He is just sucha noice yung man. Likes to help others no matter what, yew should definitely cowl Powl."

Me - "Thanks, yeah, I'll give Paul a buzz....."

Clerk - "Powl will give you all the wood yew need. He gives wood to the whole town."

I could continue, but I think you understand why this conversation was hysterical. If you don't here are some key points..

1. Paul gives wood to everyone all over town
2. Paul will be more than willing to give me wood
3. She actually gave me this guys number
4. AND wouldn't stop saying the word "wood"

I felt violated in New Hampshire. And I do a mean New England accent when called upon to retell said story.

Anywood, we left and not 30 seconds later came across a gas station that had fire wood.

Needless to say...

We didn't call Powl.


Dictionary.
*Fiyahwood - Firewood
** heyah - here
*** Powl - Paul
****yeaas - years
*****cowl - Call

My trip to New Hampshire Part 3.

My grandma is a funny lady. She gets even funnier as she gets older. It makes family vacations and the dinners I have with her that much more amazing.

Out in New Hampshire we had quite a few conversations about many weird things.
Actually, come to think of it, I had a lot of weird conversations out in New Hampshire. I guess that is just part of my all star charm. dontjudgeme.

One day, my grandma and I were on our way down to the beach to swim with my eldest cousin and her baby.

WAIT, I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's try this again..

Now, to understand the conversation we had you need a little background information.. Like.. I haven't bought a bathing suit in 3 years. 3 YEARS. So, obvs I didn't have one packed for New Hampshire. I don't even own one that fits. Welp, my sister said she brought an extra that I could use. No worries right? Well, the perfect day came about to go swimming and I took a look at that bathing suit and thought for sure it wouldn't fit me... considering my sister is WAY more blessed than me. I mean, there isn't even a comparison. BUT when I looked at the bathing suit, my immediate reaction "THERE IS NO WAY THAT IS GOING TO FIT MY ASS" (It looked too big yo)

So I took my parents car and drove to Wal *YUCK* and attempted to find a bathing suit. All I could find were bottoms. So I went to the counter..

"So, do we like, bring up the bottoms and you hand us the top or are you just out of tops?"
"snickers... We are just out of tops"
"So I'm going topless.. great."

So I left and headed back to the house bathing suitless and pretty peeved that I was just going to watch them swim and enjoy themselves.

Grandma - "Didja get a bathing suit Ellie?" (My entire family calls me Ellie, don't hate on it)

Me - "No, they only had bottoms. So I would've had to go topless."

Grandma - "So you got some bottoms?"

Me - "No Grandma. I didn't get anything because I would have had to go topless."

Grandma - "What's wrong with going topless? You should just go topless. Its not like no one here has seen 'girls' before"

Me - *crickets*

Grandma - "Seriously, I don't see the problem with it. You should just go topless."

Me - "I'm going to give Sissy's bathing suit a try"

Grandma - "Okay, I'll wait here for you."

So amazingly enough, the bathing suit did fit my tushy and my bosom. I walked my happy ass out the door with my grandma by my side only to have this conversation...

Grandma - "I see the bathing suit fits"

Me - "Yeah, I guess my butt is bigger than I thought."

Grandma - "You get that from me. I have a BIG BUTT. Nothing to be ashamed of"

Me - "I know I got from you,  no one on dad's side has much of a butt."

Grandma - "Be grateful, boys LOVE big butts. I hear about that all the time. Big butts are a good thing these days. Do boys say anything to you about your butt?"

Me - (as if this is the most natural conversation I have ever had with her..) "Grandma, you should hear what these boys say about my butt! They just LOVE it. I mean, they call it a bubble butt, a fine specimen, you name it, I've apparently got it."

Grandma - "Well at least I know I did one thing right by you."

Yes. That is 100% the truth.
My grandma and I talked about boys liking big butts.

Weird right?

Stay tuned for what I promised from part 2 and another conversation post (the convo post to be shared later today) .

I should have been a trucker or a sailor.

From the time I realized I could drive, I wanted to.

To be out on the open road, wind in my hair, experiencing freedom like I had never had..

Yeah, like every other American teenager, I wanted my license more than anything else.. other than, perhaps, a car.

Of course, I wasn't very good about driving when I had my permit. I didn't want to. It was snowy and a girl from my high school had just died in a car accident. I was freaked the eff out.  BUT... My parents still made me drive. I had to get some experience.. right?

Then.. it happened.  I turned 16 I got my license.

I was ready to drive..

I was on the road, experiencing the ultimate freedom (in my mind okay?) I was at peace with anything and everything around me. No fights were going to go unforgiven, I had found a cure for cancer, the war was over, I was in a state of Nirvana like no (hu)man had ever experienced.

and then some jack ass cut me off and it was game over.

You know in the movie Mean Girls how Cady has those weird little animal fantasies? Well, I was in that zone.. Apparently honing my inner gorilla and just absolutely lost it.

I was shouting profanities left and right, flippin' the bird, trying to decide whether following him was a good idea or not and of course what I would say to the mthfckr if I did..

It was over. This guy ruined my peace of mind. My sanity (apparently).

Now when I'm on the road and someone cuts me off I shout at the top of my lungs (as if they can hear me) every nasty word I can think of as well as some pointers on how to ACTUALLY FLIPPIN' DRIVE. C has been apart of these phone calls, he can atest to the crazy I am out on the road.

I have yelled at many a car and have made it impossible for many more cars to pass me.. but I will say, I have never actually acted on my road rage. I've seen the accidents they cause and the lives that are lost just because someone got angry. I keep that in the back of my mind as I remind myself that ramming my car into his bumper will do no one any good.

Ye be warned, stay away from my craziness on the road!

Well, I know I'm not the only one out there with this issue...

What are your stories? Are you actually a peaceful driver?

This really is typical behavior. For me at least.

So my best friend and I work the same schedules (at different places) sometimes and the only way we get through the horribly long morning is by texting.

Usually, our conversations are short and sweet, other times they are ridiculous.

For whatever reason, I find this morning's conversation particularly hilarious and have decided to share it with you.

You're Welcome.

First, a little background information..

My friend got married a little over a year ago and for the first time in like 5 years I had a piece of cake. I haven't stopped craving sweets all day every day. I want chocolate all day long. I long for swedish fish every time I pass them or someone mentions fishing (I work for the Boy Scouts, so you see my dilemma with this) I try every cake presented to me, etc.. etc..

Recently, I've been trying to save money and have decided one way I'm going to do so is by not having to by new jeans come winter time. This means I have to lose a few pounds and cut a few inchs off my waist. I'm not fat by any means, I just am really poor and will, apparently, do anything to save a couple dollars.

So this morning C (what we shall call him) and I are texting away...

C: [writes stuff that doesn't pertain to this post] oh man, somone brought in donuts. im avoiding them but they look immaculate.

E: Bring me one.

C: ok

E: Wait! I cand eat that n

E: *cant eat the nonsense. I'm trying to look hot again remember.

E:  Sorry my fingers got all send happy on that first one.

C:  I could tell lol. trying to look hot...yeah good luck

E: F*** you. Ar you saying it can't be done?

C: i would already think you were super hot... if you werent a dude

E: Lol!

C: truth

E: Meh. Not even offended.

C: Haha. Take it as a compiment                             <---- that is 100% accurate to his spelling.

E: A compiment? Oh C* yew soh gooh at sperring

C: ah tanks erra. you nah you rove meh

E: Yew keehhp terring yewserf thah.

C: aw shrit :(

E: Since when us the and L in shit?

C: huh ahah

E: I am apparently drunk at work.. or honing in on my [not giving name] drugged up language.

E: *since when IS THERE AN L in shit? Betteh?

C: i so confrused

C: but dehr isnt an ehr in shrit

E: We substitues R's for L's. Put two and two together.

C: awwww i understand naooo. you so funry

E: Do we just add r's where ever now

C: mraybrey.

E: K. Again. Brogposs                          <-- We talk about this blog and you guys all the time! Feel special!

C: jaja

E: Why are we substituting ramdome letters for everything now?!

C: that was spanish

E: Msguwj translate that

C: ella thats inappropriate to say that to me

E: How so

C: I translated...inappropriate

E: umm what did it say fooh?


Can't make this stuff up people.

Yes so, we frequently text and talk in asian accents (our interpretation, not supposed to be hurtful and usually turns into something else or laughter) and say nonsense things.

Thats normal right?


We have possibly the weirdest conversations.

and if you are really nice good little readers, someday I'll share more with you. mraybrey.

CAN I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE?

Ladies & Gentleman (if there are any gents) gather round for I have a grand announcement.

How grand?

So grand, it will blow your minds.

I have managed...

wait for it...

to discover The 8th Wonder of the World.

Don't know what the first 7 are? Read. Learn. Enjoy.

Seriously people.


THE 8TH WONDER OF THE WORLD.




Are you ready to have your mind blown by this awesomeness?
i mean it is possible your brain will be turned to mush after reading this.


If it does I do not want you to sue me and say I didn't give you fair warning.
I'm giving you loads of warning right here.


Make sure you prepare yourself NOW with whatever you can, be it booze, valium, punching bag, twinkies, etc..


Alright. I've warned you. Given sound (hah) advice on what to do and told you not to sue me. I think I've covered my bases thoroughly enough..

So I guess I'll stop beating around the bush and just come out and say it.

The 8th Wonder of the World is...

Guys & Girls CAN be best friends.

[HOLYPOOPSHEISAGENIUS]

Not possible you say?

Well go bury your face in a pile of something stinky or prickly because you are wrong and that is what I feel should happen to people who are wrong. Then they are stinking pricks! hah!.. ahem.. not the point.

One of my best friends is a guy.

*holy shit, is she serious?*
[why yes, yes i am]

No one, but my boyfriend and a select few others, believes that we aren't dating or that something isn't going on between us.

Clearly, everyone is under the impression that mixed gender relationships cannot exist in the world. Just because you are a douche that can't hold down such a relationship without thinking with your downstairs head doesn't mean they don't happen.

I guess you now understand that it is, of course, mostly guys that believe this kind of thing isn't possible. 

Our friends we have known for years refuse to believe it no matter how we explain it.

I mean, we have said no, we aren't dating or hooking up 1,234,524,546,312,967,856,482 times and we aren't lying.

We are best friends. Duh.

We talk about life.
We bitch about everything.
Joke about everything else.
We talk with our version of Asian accents.
Listen to music.
Usually over coffee.

It isn't anything different than what we do as a group. We just don't really care for certain people all the time and therefore choose to discuss these topics on a regular basis without the other fools.

Well, that clearly means we are dating/getting it on or whatever they think is happening.

Its not. It will never happen.
End of story.

I do realize that this isn't always the case when it comes to this phenomenon.
Some of these relationships do turn into something more and I say good for them!!
But, that is not what is happening here.

Did you know there are people out there that don't like me because they think we are lying about our friendship?

It's getting ridiculous.

So ladies & (if you are out there) gents, it is possible for a guy and a girl to be JUST friends and nothing more.

I know. Your mind is blown.
Let me know if you need help finding all the pieces!



**a good portion of this post is sarcastic though it may come across differently in writing. Please note that I am aware that people already know about this phenomenon, I'm just super fed up with getting bombarded with all these stupid questions all the time. Yes, that was my rant.