Breathe.

The Beginning:

Sunday night, right around 8 oclock, outside of Starbucks (cause I'm that girl) reading Eat, Pray, Love on the verge of tears. It is cold and dark with very little lighting. I'm feeling very much like Elizabeth Gilbert at the beginning of her journey when she is absolutely miserable where she is. I'm crying at all hours of the night and sometimes day, I'm not happy all the time, but some of the time. It just isn't a good place for me to be me in my life.. Or maybe I'm just back to looking for me. I'm starting to read about her journey into India (part 2 in the book, or of the trinity) when I look up and find myself in serious need of something.. Anything to remind me that its going to be okay. Somehow, I am Liz, on the bathroom floor, asking for what to do, only I'm outside of Starbucks and in the cold.

That's when my epiphany happens...

It played out a little like this..

There was music playing all the while I sat outside. I ignored it for the most part except for the occasional high note that was just a bit louder than the rest of the song. I stop for a brief moment to take a deep breath and gather my surroundings and to decide if it is a little too dark to stay up here thats when I hear it..

"2am and she calls me cause I'm still awake"

Something triggers in my head..

"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake, I don't love him and winter just wasn't my season"

The lights turn on outside of Starbucks...

"Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes"

Two gentlemen walk by me in silence..


"Like they have any right at all to criticize"

One looks back to look at the girl, sitting in the cold.
"Hypocrites. You're all here for the very same reason"

Suddenly, I'm not cold anymore.

"Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable"

I close my eyes.


"And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table"

I hear something surrounding me.
"No one can find the rewind button, girl."

Its me singing..
"So cradle your head in your hands"

I know this song..

"And breathe... just breathe,"

And then, I get my answer.

"Oh breathe"

The one I've been asking for all along..

 "just breathe"

Stop the War In My Rack.

Sorry about the cliffhanger yesterday.

Unfortunately, your kinda stuck wondering until I get my life back together and I can pretty much guarantee this is going to be a long and grueling process.

My emotional strength is definitely going to be tested.

Meanwhile, I'll sit back, read my books, do my mantras and drink my coffee. Oh, and I suppose I'll write here and there as well. :)

***

Last night my mom came home from an awards dinner that was celebrating the fundraising her company did for Breast Cancer. Of course, this was after I got all panicky because she wasn't home and it was 9pm and my mom is never home later than 7:30 or 8, even when she gets home from dinner. I'm a total momma's girl and I wouldn't have it any other way :)

feel free to poke fun.

It reminded me of the day she came home from the event and told me all about the fun boobie things, cause I mean really, who doesn't love to talk about boobs?
*I apologize to those of you that cringe at the mere mention of any body parts.

I think it was April or May of last year when my mom came home all pumped up to beat Breast Cancer and of course a little ferklempt at all the stories shared.

That's when she told me the BEST team name ever for their Breast Cancer Walk.

STOP THE WAR IN MY RACK. (pink for breast cancer awareness YEEAH!)

I think I died on the spot, went to heaven and have been living there ever since.

I immediately went into, OMG I can totally market this and raise a boob ton of money for breast cancer awareness because holy crap that is the most clever thing I have ever heard.

I went as far as to get someone to design the shirts and then absolutely nothing ever happened with it. I didn't have the money to do the project nor did I have enough people interested in helping me out. It was a huge let down.

I still loved the saying and everytime we talk about boobs in my house, which is more regular than people would like to believe, I ask if someone has stopped the war in my rack yet.

I truly believe that one day, the answer will be yes and I pray that it will happen in my lifetime.

But seriously, I wish there was more I could do other than just give money and continue to send the best vibes I got out to those researchers who are working ridiculously hard to find the cure.

So, I'll take a step outside of the box and get a little raunchy in hopes that my female readers (are there any men??) will listen and get fired up like I am.

First of all, Getting felt up isn't all that bad... When you are checking for lumps that aren't there!!

That's right, just cop a feelsky on yourself once a month and pretty soon you'll be able to tell if something is there that wasn't before.

hell, go ahead and let your lover do it for ya if your feelin frisky.

Also, go to the doctor and get the proper examinations getting felt up by your doctor (male or female) or getting a mammogram is nothin' compared to actually finding out you have Breast Cancer and going through treatment.

Okay, so thats my health advice for the year and I hope you aren't all like "Ella, hello, thats common knowledge, way to waste my time telling me things I already know"

Sorry if that is the case, but anything for the cause right?

Say it with me now...

STOP THE WAR IN MY RACK!

-Ella

Cloudy with a chance of Word Vomit.

So the unbelievable has happened to me this week..

I have learned something new about myself..

I know, totes what you were thinking right?

Wrong?
Shit..

Sorry for the huge let down on that one.. actually, no I'm not.

Anynews, I guess that this new thing isn't really new, it just came more to light for me than it had before.

I am an over sharer.

Whew, feels good to get that one out there.

I swear to you it's like something happens to me and I want to spew it out to anyone, and I mean anyone, who will listen. It's bad people.. BAD.

For example, Monday was my Gramps' birthday and I was super emotional because I hadn't been to the grave in some time and was just a little freaky about going there. I told anyone and everyone that would listen. At one point I remember thinking to myself "I have asked you 3 times what your plan is for the day, ASK ME WHAT MINE IS SO I CAN TELL YOU I'M ALL EMOTIONAL AND FREAKY ABOUT GOING TO THE CEMETERY!!!!", cause I'm super psycho like that.

I need a muzzle  someone to talk to right now because I'm going through all of this really icky yucky emotional junk and I am seriously struggling to keep all of it to myself especially since it is no one elses business but mine. The words sit on my tongue like something that tastes really bad, the moment its there, you just want to spit it out.

Don't get me wrong, I only spill MY secrets/issues/whateverishappeninginmylife. I'm actually really good at keeping other people's secrets because I definitely have a killer conscience. Seriously, Connie (my pet name for my conscience) and I have this awesome relationship where if I even think about leaking someone elses information anywhere she hits me hard with some sort of body ailment that puts me in bed for some time. She's a peach.

Your secrets are safe with me. Except from my journal (that i hide) or from the police if you like murdered someone or something, because I am TOTALLY not going to keep that secret for you.. It would make me an accomplice. I don't think so.

WOAH, just got WAY off topic..

As for me, myself and I, I'm just a sharer, a perpetual sharer.

It is taking everything in me to not tell you all of the crap I am currently dealing with.
I want to so badly. You are the people that I have turned to for other things and you tend to get me and have these awesome words of advice and encouragement. But I can't bring myself to put it out here in the internets.. At least not yet.

And if you are anything like me, your curiosity is getting the better of you and you are about ready to punch your computer screen (or hunt me down, whatevs) because you want to know what in the heck little miss Ella is dealing with that she won't tell us. I totally would.

Well, I'm going to go stick my head back into some dirt and pray that no one comes to me today wanting to know how I'm feeling or how I'm doing, I don't think I'm going to last much longer.. I can already feel the shell cracking...

UGH.

-Ella

*I'll be posting here until the new site is up and i promise I'll do a better job of it. I've been kind of the suck lately at this.. I'm also hoping to get my new site up and running by the end of this month/early October.

**Find me on twitter @stella_ella and "@" me so I know who you are!!!

I'm poking my head out from under my rock for a minute.

Hi all.

I've been hiding under a rock.

Cause my life is crazy right now between work, my personal life and working on my new site.

Good things are happening though.

Like the badge that Midwestern Mama H made for me recently... That makes me all giddy in all sorts of inappropriate places. :)

I'll keep you posted.


And remind me to tell you about the girl that hit on me at Red Lobster.
It's pretty awesome.

And if you don't already, follow me on twitter -@stella_ella "@" me so I know who you are!

New things are happening.

Dear loves (all of you reading),

I wanted to let you know that I am in the process of building a newer and better website for your enjoyment. One that is more focused on the weird things that happen to me, one that catches your eye, one that is everything you want .. and more.


In order for this to work, I obviously need your help.
Suggestions, designs, buttons (yours of course, so please send 'em my way if you have 'em), ideas, title (although I think I have a pretty good one in the works) and ANYthing else you think of.

If you have any questions, comments, concerns please email me here.

Or feel free to hop onto twitter and ask @stella_ella

If you don't follow me, but decide to, please message me so I can follow you back!

Well, I'm off to *hopefully* have a good (but weird) day with my family.

I can't wait to see what suggestions & ideas you have!

-Ella

Wood. Its inapprop.

As most people know and understand, New Englanders have a wicked accent (varies depending on where you are).

I absolutely adore said accent.
It makes me blush, makes me laugh and makes me want to talk to EVERYONE within 100 feet of me.

One chat I had sticks out in my mind because it was quite hysterical and all 15 of us staying at the house laughed about it for a LONG time.

I was on my way back from Portsmouth NH (Absolutely beautiful, do yourself a favor and go there) with my Sissy, Brohem, Cousin and her husband when we decided "hey lets have a bonfire tonight"

So what do you always need when you have a bonfire or campfire?

Wood.

We didn't think there would be much firewood around the house we were staying and didn't think it would be a good idea to chop any of the trees down so our only option was to stop somewhere to ask where we could get firewood.

There wasn't much of anything in the little teeny tiny village we were staying in, it was the kind of place where EVERYTHING closed at 6pm.

So we stopped at a Rite Aid on the way home. We didn't see any firewood outside of the store and being the baby of the family, I was forced to go inside to inquire about firewood.

Me - "Excuse me, Do you have any firewood?"

Clerk - "Fiyahwood*? I don think we have any fiyawood."

Me - "Oh, well could you possibly tell me a place we could stop to get some?"

Clerk - "lemme think heyah**  .. oh I know who can give you some wood, Do yah got cellphone?"

Me - "Yes...?"

Clerk - "Alright, well I'm gonna write down a numbah for yew, The guys name is Powl*** and he can get you wood."

Me - "uhh.."

Clerk - "Powl gave me wood a few yeaas**** ago, real noice kid, yew should give 'im a cowl***** Powl will help you get wood. He is just sucha noice yung man. Likes to help others no matter what, yew should definitely cowl Powl."

Me - "Thanks, yeah, I'll give Paul a buzz....."

Clerk - "Powl will give you all the wood yew need. He gives wood to the whole town."

I could continue, but I think you understand why this conversation was hysterical. If you don't here are some key points..

1. Paul gives wood to everyone all over town
2. Paul will be more than willing to give me wood
3. She actually gave me this guys number
4. AND wouldn't stop saying the word "wood"

I felt violated in New Hampshire. And I do a mean New England accent when called upon to retell said story.

Anywood, we left and not 30 seconds later came across a gas station that had fire wood.

Needless to say...

We didn't call Powl.


Dictionary.
*Fiyahwood - Firewood
** heyah - here
*** Powl - Paul
****yeaas - years
*****cowl - Call

My trip to New Hampshire Part 3.

My grandma is a funny lady. She gets even funnier as she gets older. It makes family vacations and the dinners I have with her that much more amazing.

Out in New Hampshire we had quite a few conversations about many weird things.
Actually, come to think of it, I had a lot of weird conversations out in New Hampshire. I guess that is just part of my all star charm. dontjudgeme.

One day, my grandma and I were on our way down to the beach to swim with my eldest cousin and her baby.

WAIT, I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's try this again..

Now, to understand the conversation we had you need a little background information.. Like.. I haven't bought a bathing suit in 3 years. 3 YEARS. So, obvs I didn't have one packed for New Hampshire. I don't even own one that fits. Welp, my sister said she brought an extra that I could use. No worries right? Well, the perfect day came about to go swimming and I took a look at that bathing suit and thought for sure it wouldn't fit me... considering my sister is WAY more blessed than me. I mean, there isn't even a comparison. BUT when I looked at the bathing suit, my immediate reaction "THERE IS NO WAY THAT IS GOING TO FIT MY ASS" (It looked too big yo)

So I took my parents car and drove to Wal *YUCK* and attempted to find a bathing suit. All I could find were bottoms. So I went to the counter..

"So, do we like, bring up the bottoms and you hand us the top or are you just out of tops?"
"snickers... We are just out of tops"
"So I'm going topless.. great."

So I left and headed back to the house bathing suitless and pretty peeved that I was just going to watch them swim and enjoy themselves.

Grandma - "Didja get a bathing suit Ellie?" (My entire family calls me Ellie, don't hate on it)

Me - "No, they only had bottoms. So I would've had to go topless."

Grandma - "So you got some bottoms?"

Me - "No Grandma. I didn't get anything because I would have had to go topless."

Grandma - "What's wrong with going topless? You should just go topless. Its not like no one here has seen 'girls' before"

Me - *crickets*

Grandma - "Seriously, I don't see the problem with it. You should just go topless."

Me - "I'm going to give Sissy's bathing suit a try"

Grandma - "Okay, I'll wait here for you."

So amazingly enough, the bathing suit did fit my tushy and my bosom. I walked my happy ass out the door with my grandma by my side only to have this conversation...

Grandma - "I see the bathing suit fits"

Me - "Yeah, I guess my butt is bigger than I thought."

Grandma - "You get that from me. I have a BIG BUTT. Nothing to be ashamed of"

Me - "I know I got from you,  no one on dad's side has much of a butt."

Grandma - "Be grateful, boys LOVE big butts. I hear about that all the time. Big butts are a good thing these days. Do boys say anything to you about your butt?"

Me - (as if this is the most natural conversation I have ever had with her..) "Grandma, you should hear what these boys say about my butt! They just LOVE it. I mean, they call it a bubble butt, a fine specimen, you name it, I've apparently got it."

Grandma - "Well at least I know I did one thing right by you."

Yes. That is 100% the truth.
My grandma and I talked about boys liking big butts.

Weird right?

Stay tuned for what I promised from part 2 and another conversation post (the convo post to be shared later today) .