Wednesday, August 11, 2010

[insert sad face here]

I apologize in advance for this post. I'm probably going to be a bit dramatic and sobby, but please.. bear with me.

I feel like I'm falling apart.

I can only stand here and watch as a tornado rips through my life and inch by inch, destroys every piece of solid ground I've ever been able to stand on. It is tearing away the beauty and peace that I have found in myself and I just want it to stop. I want to chase it away and start to rebuild what it has destroyed.

I don't know what to do with myself anymore. Every move seems to be the wrong move for somebody somewhere. I hate letting people down. It is a serious flaw of mine.

I work my butt of to make sure people don't get the wrong impression of me. I wear what fits my body so I don't have people behind my back saying "That girls pants are just a size too small, look at those love handles!" I put my make up on in the morning to cover any blemishes that have appeared over night so people don't think I don't wash my face or take care of my skin. I plaster a smile on my face and am polite everywhere I go, just so that I can make someone's day somewhere. I open doors, I pay my bills on time, I help people when I can etc.. etc..

I can't stand the thought of somebody not liking me or not approving of me in some way shape or form.

I am a good person, at least thats what my mom tells me.

I probably try too hard.

I probably care too much.

It's my curse.


It hit me today that I am a real mess, when a man walked back into our office after nearly 4 months of being sick.

2 Days ago I was speaking with someone about this man.
"It was real touch & go for a while there.. none of us thought he would make it.."

We are so grateful he did.

Today, this man walked in and came up to me to say Good Morning.
He is probably one of the sweetest elderly men I have ever come across and truly reminds me of my Grandfather[s]. He smiled and waltzed into the conference room across from my office. I cleaned off my mess of supplies, off the table, for the event I'm preparing for and he sat down. I walked out of the room back to my office when i heard more voices than usual coming from our production room..

6 women and 1 gentleman are sitting in this room chatting, drinking coffee and generally having lovely conversation while this Man sits in the conference room, all alone.

I don't know why but my eyes started watering and I shuffled back to my office for a few minutes to gather my thoughts and compose myself.

Why was he forced to sit alone in the conference room?
Was there some kind of sick and twisted punishment going on that no one thought to tell me.

It took everything I had in me not to cry as I watched him work.

He didn't move much and had this look on his face. One that would shatter every grandpa's girls heart. The one where Grandpa is sad to see you go, and just wants one more hug.

I hated seeing him alone. It was breaking my heart into a million little pieces.

Then, I was alone, in my office. Nothing but work to take my mind off of everything.
I wasn't very productive.

The situation somehow turned into a metaphor for my life.

I don't ever want to end up alone in the conference room doing work.

Um.. irrational much?
I think yes.

So, to the Man that sat 5 feet from me all morning, I'm sorry I didn't come in and have a conversation with you. I guess I don't know what I would say but if I had known what to say, I would have.

I told you. My life is falling apart. And I'm doing everything in my power to hold together the pieces. I'm holding it together because I know all will be well sooner than later and in a few months I'll look back and laugh over my momentary freak out.


Well, I certainly hope so.


  1. The thing that helps me when it feels like my life is turning into a total shitstorm is to think, "Well... at least this will make a decent blog post."

    Sometimes you have to laugh to keep from crying.

    For instance, I walked into my house yesterday after a nice, quiet day at the office. And the first thing that hit me was the FUCKING SMELL. I mean... seriously... it was fucking everywhere. I started to gag so I had to turn around and walk right back out of the house. When I finally went back in to assess the damage, I saw that my dog had shit all over her kennel. And it was smeared everywhere. I mean, it was so bad that it was even on her FUCKING HEAD.

    And it had been there for so long that the smell got in the air vents and every. single. room. in my goddamn house smelled like dog shit for hours.

    So yeah.... I had to laugh about it because otherwise I would have stabbed myself in the neck.

    : ) I hope you start feeling better soon.

  2. Always care about yourself and the hell what others think! You have a kind heart and that is why it bothered you so much to see this man alone.
    I really hope you feel better soon and remember the kindness you showed to him will not be forgotten.